


Calm My Nerves

by CaptainOfDaShip



Category: Mindhunter (TV 2017)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Anxiety Disorder, Comfort, Confessions, First Kiss, First Time, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Gay Sex, Hand Jobs, Hurt/Comfort, Kissing, Light Angst, Love Confessions, M/M, Mutual Masturbation, Neck Kissing, One Shot, Pining, Sex, Short One Shot, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-23
Updated: 2019-09-23
Packaged: 2020-10-26 23:36:57
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,588
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20750657
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CaptainOfDaShip/pseuds/CaptainOfDaShip
Summary: A brief insight into Holden's anxiety ridden mind and the love held within his heart.





	Calm My Nerves

**Author's Note:**

> I cud've sworn from the brief glimpse of Holden's apartment it was studio so no living area just bed, bathroom, and kitchen. So have that in mind. Also I just wrote about my anxiety attack symptoms especially the time crawling and feeling like a useless toddler thing. Also no offense on the word “idiot savant” that's just what they called ppl with autism back in the day. (Or at least in the 80's)

Holden awoke to the now unfortunately familiar feeling. His chest cavity felt like it was caving in and crushing the air out of his lungs, but his heart couldn’t be racing any faster. His vision began to blur at the edges and his whole body shivered uncontrollably. His mind began to swim, he felt completely off kiltered as he tried to move. Somewhere in the last vestige of his mind he had enough control left to convince himself to hunt for relief. His hands desperately groped in the darkness for pills. When after what felt like eons had passed, his hand landed on the cure for his current predicament. 

Automatically he twisted the cap open and swallowed the recommended two pills. They slid down his throat, slowly but surely bringing the relief he craved. It was almost a Pavlovian response, for all he knew the pills could’ve been placebos. He waited sitting up right in his hotel bed for god knows how long. 

The hint of sunrise broke through the curtains, finally pulling him from his thoughts. He had been sitting there deep in thought and recovering from his latest attack for hours. And no closer was he to determining the exact reason for his latest anxiety attack. It really couldve been a number of things. Stress had consumed his life for the past however long he had been down here. No, maybe it had been slowly eating him alive since Debbie left him. Since the slow realization of how he felt for someone else plagued him. 

Hours Later at the Riverfront------

The hunt for another body and Bill was leaving, again. This hustle back and forth was no good for anyone and he knew it. He just wished Bill would admit it. Holden finally blew up and took it out on Bill. Then there it was, the truth, the reason behind it all. The reason for his absence, both physically and mentally. Brian had become exactly what they’ve been studying and trying to prevent. Or at the very least recognize in people before it was too late. He would never in a million years tell his partner that. A part of him thinks Bill already knew. 

Weeks Later---

Weeks later and he finally had a suspect. But the attacks still come, why? He wished he had time for introspection, but time wasn’t on his side from the beginning. Finally they edged closer to indicting the man, and hours upon hours later the Atlanta Police came down from under them and claimed victory. A part of him was upset it hadn’t been them, the FBI. But he was glad for it to be over. However they still come. He had hoped with the case over, and home back in Quantico, the attacks wouldn’t rear its ugly head. He had been dead wrong. 

Listening to the TV in his lonely apartment he felt the familiar feeling pull at his already delicate composure. His vision began to blur and he desperately needed someone to talk to. Tears streamed down his face. Will this never go away? Subconsciously he dialed the only number he knew by heart. 

“Hello?” 

“Bill.” 

“Holden? It’s not a good time right now.” 

“Please…”

“Are you okay?” 

“H-help?” 

“Where are you?!”

“Home.” 

“I’ll be there in 15.” 

On the other end Bill hung up immediately, but Holden couldn’t move. His heart pounded a mile a minute but his movements felt incredibly slow. His body and time itself crawled to a snail’s pace. Holden couldn’t understand why most of his attacks were fast, but this time he felt like sludge. Like cement was being poured into his veins. Distantly he could hear a loud knocking at his door, but he couldn’t put two and two together. Then he heard the door knob jingling from a key being inserted, and wondered when did he give anyone a key? 

His partner came into view and that was when he realized his ears were messed up too. Bill spoke to him but he felt like the sounds were under water. Everything was muffled and nothing registered. When Bill placed two pills in his now open mouth and coaxed him to swallow, everything slowly came back. He felt a larger hand cup his own and replace the phone back into its receiver. Only then did he realize he had been frozen like that for over 15 minutes. Or however long it took for Bill to arrive. Plus the time it took for Holden to come back to the land of the living. 

“Holden…Holden? Are you feeling any better?” 

“Bill?” 

“Holden, Jesus Christ what the hell?!”

“I, I’m sorry. I didn’t know who else to call.” 

“That’s fine. I thought with the case being over you would be back to normal. Normal for you anyway.” 

“So did I.” 

“So?” 

“I don’t know I was cooking and listening to the TV then it slowly crept up on me. All the signs were there but this time things were different.” 

“Different how?” 

“Usually everything is rushing a mile a minute. I cant stop the adrenaline feeling, the urgency. But this time, everything including time itself felt slowed down.” 

“That would explain why you still had the phone in your hand. And why you looked like an idiot savant.” 

“I’m sorry. I know you said it wasn’t a good time.” 

Bill begrudged being pulled back into his own problems. Having forgotten them briefly. 

“It wasn’t.” 

“What, what happened? You look as stressed as me.” 

Bill shot up from his perch on the bed and began pacing. It wasn’t until a few minutes later did he speak up. 

“Nancy left.” 

Holdens eyes shot to his partners back. He didn’t know what to say, he felt an immense amount of guilt. He couldn’t shake the feeling that it was partially his fault. Scratch that, he felt it was entirely his fault. 

“I, im sorry.” 

“Don’t…Don’t be. It’s not your fault.” 

“It is though. If I hadn’t convinced you to join me. To make this department then-” 

“Then we wouldn’t be closer to finding out how these psychopaths tick.” 

“But-”

“I know what I signed on for Holden, don’t start thinking you’re a martyr.” 

“I’m sorry.” 

“Like I said don’t be.” 

“It was my fault…It was my fault he had to resign. I had no clue.” 

“You didn’t?” 

“No…After the party when he ran off, I confronted him.” 

“And? What did he say?” 

“After a while I couldn’t hear him.” 

“You had another one?” 

“I did. All I heard was his anger and his voice calling me a pussy on repeat.” 

“You’re not.” 

“I, I know. But it’s my fault nonetheless. All of it is.” 

“Stop the self flogging and look at me.” 

It took a moment but his eyes locked onto Bills. 

“It’s not your fault. You’re not a martyr so don’t pretend to be one. Everyone knew what they signed on for. The whole thing was balanced on the edge of a knife. No one expected to fall but they did. Its not any one person’s fault. The whole thing was just not sustainable. We’re all walking on egg shells. All of this is new. There’s no guidebook.” 

“Thanks.” 

“For?” 

“I think I almost had another one.” 

“How did it go away?” 

“I just latched onto your voice. Then I peeled back the layers and I heard your words. And you’re right.” 

Holden had a momentary lapse of reason. He didn’t know what else to call it, when he looked back at the face his body instinctively rushed towards. The lips that he felt under his own. It was quick but it still burned like a thousand suns. It felt good, amazing even. For how brief it was. But then he saw anger in the older man’s eyes. And like a cold bucket of water drenching him, he felt fear wash over him. What had he done? 

Tench barely held back the anger he felt simmering under his skin. The anger was pulling at his strings unraveling the seams. 

“How long Holden?! How long have you felt this way?” 

“I, I-”

“Don’t you dare go back into another fit!” 

“I-”

“Just answer the question Holden.” 

Seeing his younger partners face he realized he needed to calm down. Finally his rage simmered to a low boil. Bill quickly went over to his kitchen sink and filled a glass of water. 

“Calm down, here drink this.”

He folded Holden’s hands around the glass and brought it up to his face. Thankfully he was coming back to his senses and drank from the cup like a man dying of thirst. Bill took the glass from his hands and placed it on the nightstand before calmly repeating his question. 

“Holden? How long has it been?” 

Hazel brown eyes slowly reached his. He could see thought processing behind those beautiful eyes. 

“Almost since the beginning. But it hit home when Debb called me out on it.” 

“She knew?” 

“Partially. She knew I couldn’t refrain from my work. She didn’t know it was also you.” 

The older agent couldn’t believe what he heard. He sat back on the bed collecting his thoughts. Not only did Holden have feelings for him, but it’s been there for as long as his had. If they both pulled their heads out of their respective asses, so much could’ve been avoided. But he knew he never would’ve done anything, not while Nancy was in his life. Did he subconsciously push Nancy away because he wanted Holden? 

“Why?” 

“Why what?” 

“Why now? Why after Brian, after this case. After Nancy leaving do you bring this up!?” 

His rage came back in ten fold. 

“I, I’m sorry.” 

He surged off the bed and assaulted those lips that had briefly touched his earlier. The older man growled into the hungry kiss as he heard the younger man moan. He wanted to eat the kid alive, and he desperately wanted to pull all of the deliciously needy sounds out of him. He craved this, denied himself this for years. There was no denying all of the stress and anger he had been slowly building up. All of it poured into his rage growing his hunger, causing him to go crazy with it. He wanted to claim Holden, and make him his partner in more ways than one. Nancy had left him, and before that denied him a sexual release for month. He hadn’t felt this intense of a desire in a very long time. Maybe not ever. 

Tench pulled back to latch his mouth onto that exquisitely long and smooth neck, as he turned them around and lowered Holden onto the bed. He couldn’t hold back anything if he tried. Holden distantly felt his back hit the soft bed below him. But the dual sensation of his neck being bitten and kissed while his member growing harder, had pushed everything else out of his mind. The heavier man covered him , he practically laid on top of him. Distantly Holden thought he would be upset, because of what had happened before in California. But this was different, infinitely better, safer, and he craved it. 

The older man unlatched from his spot on Holden’s neck and looked at the debauched man below him. 

“Holden I can practically hear you thinking, stop.” 

“Sorry.” 

“What is your brain over processing now?” 

“I like being covered by you. I thought because of-”

“Because of Kemper?” 

“Yeah, but I feel safe.” 

“Good! Now stop thinking of anyone else!” 

He stripped off his own shirt and began unbuttoning Holden’s. And was he in for a treat. What splayed out before him was a smooth, trimmed, and pale body. His lips swooped down and sucked on a beautifully pink pert nipple. And the moans, god the moans that dripped from Holden’s mouth. Nothing has ever sounded sweeter. His hands traced down the lithe body until they reached his belt and pants. Tench quickly removed the offending materials and gasped. He pulled back to the wanton display before him. From then on he knew, he couldn’t let anyone except himself be allowed to have this. He felt a possessive need in him like no other. 

Tench knew he wasn’t really attracted to men. Occasionally throughout his life he appreciated a few. But none, no one blew him away like Holden. And to have him here like this beneath him. God he would’ve never dared to dream of this. 

“Now who’s thinking too much?” 

“You’re beautiful.” 

At first he didn’t know if those words had left his mouth. But by the shocked looked on Holden’s face that quickly bloomed into a blush, he knew that he had. Holden surged up and claimed his partner’s mouth. God neither of them could ever get enough of each others lips. Tench pulled back for air and a much needed answer to a dire question. 

“Have you ever don’t it with a man?”

“No.” 

“Neither have I.” 

With that cleared up the older agent traced his hand down the younger man’s body. Searing all of it to memory and when he reached his destination he took it in his hand. Holden wasn’t thick but he made up for that in length. His hand pumped him, while the other played with the heavy balls underneath. With every pump he pulled one moan after another from his young partner. His own dick twitched aching for attention. Faster than a bolt of lighting, faster than he’s ever moved before, Tench removed his pants and lined up his thick member alongside Holden’s. It all felt surreal to have his dick sized up to his partner’s. He wasn’t wielding a monster but compared to Holden’s, Tench was thicker and slightly longer. The older man took both members in his large hand and stroked. This time both of them groaned in unison. 

Tench never knew this feeling of jacking off with his and another man’s dick side by side, could turn him on as much as it did. But this wasn’t just any man, this was Holden. The same young beautiful and stupidly naive man that had pulled him into his world and never let go. And thank God for it. A few strokes later and they were both on cloud nine. Each so close to release. 

“Fffaster! Please! Hharder!” 

Tench redoubled his efforts and stroked faster and gripped them slightly harder. His hands twisted at the head just how he liked and apparently so did the other man. Ten fast pumps later, Holden’s inner coil burst like a dam, and he came all over his partner’s hand and their stomachs. Not long after Tench also came. Long ropes of cum splattered between them. He couldn’t remember the last time he had came so much. He pulled back and saw the thoroughly debauched and fucked man below him. Covered in both of their semen. It was the most beautiful sight he had ever seen. Finally his hunger had satiated, he had claimed him. 

Bill’s body moved on autopilot, himself not sure of how he had any energy left. He went to the bathroom and came back with a damp towel and cleaned his lover. Lover? Before he could think about the ramifications of what they had done or that word. He fell onto the bed and pulled the sleepy man to his stomach. They both fell asleep like that. Holden feeling safe in the older man’s arms, and Bill happy that he got what he wanted after all.


End file.
